Saturday Beats: Acculturated to Violence and Getting Out

When I was only four (years old) I went to Sacramento to visit my Aunt Julie. My dad and step-mom were going to Reno for a couple days so that’s who I was staying with…

The first few days were fine, my aunt, uncle and cousins were fun to be with, ‘cause all we did was have fun! But by the second week things just changed. My aunt didn’t really smile anymore, she seemed different. My uncle always seemed angry and didn’t really play with me and my cousins anymore.

One day, before we were supposed to go out to eat dinner, I heard noises coming from the kitchen. Curious like any normal four year old, I snuck out of my room fully dressed and peeked around the doorway into the kitchen. What I saw made me fear my uncle from then ‘till this day…

He had her by her throat and her feet were at least nine inches off the floor. He was slamming her body in the wall with so much force that the walls shook and the little wall ornaments fell to the floor and broke. My aunt had her hands around his wrists, but he wasn’t letting go. Before he slammed her against the wall again, I screamed and started crying. I didn’t know what he was doing, but I knew it wasn’t good. I was scared!

At the sound of my scream, he let’s her go and she just crumples to the floor. She’s not moving… my uncle starts walking towards me, he looks even more scary than before. Getting more scared and panicky, I run to my room, but before I can close the door, he’s in there with me.

I crawl under the bed, crying…

My uncle kneels down and says in his deep voice “Sweety come out from under there.”

I stay quiet.

A couple minutes later he gets up and I hear the door close. I crawl out from under the bed and before I can look around, I feel arms around my waist and he’s carrying me to the garage.

I try to scream but he covers my mouth with his hand.

All I remember after that is that he hit me on my face, told me what I saw never happened and went back inside. I curled up in a corner and cried myself to sleep.

To this day, he never said he was sorry for anything. Not for hitting me or almost killing my Aunt Julie, who passed away four years later from a brain tumor… I’ll never forgive him, and I still blame him for my Aunt’s death. RIP Aunt Julie Brown. 1967-1999 I’ll always miss you.
-Goldylocks

When I first became a teenager, I stepped in the game
thinking the outcome would have changed
by the way that I played. I wanted out without a doubt
‘cause I was losin’ my brain
‘cause it’s the same shady ending
and I’m livin’ it, man
one step at a time
and I’m losin’ my mind
in my early teen years I was out on a grind
but I’m sayin’ “Peace, good-bye”
I want to get out of this game on the streets
that I could live without
free from the sorrow, the shame, the hurt and the pain
got my foot up out the door and I’ma leave the game.
I wanted out long ago ‘cause it’s shady on these streets
and all my brothas out here dying ‘cause they deep in the beef.
-Paradise

Image From:
The Beat Within