Saturday Beats: My World

More poetics from our Bay Area youth.

My World
The world I live in is full of pain and sorrow.

Praying and dreaming for a better tomorrow
but my prayers are not answered
and my dreams are crushed
because the system I live in
is just way too screwed-up.
There’s no way to control your fate.
You just live to fight and hate
and wait for the right chance
to keep your life straight.
Police and society try to put you down
for being Chicano and for being brown.
But I keep my head and I say screw this system
and screw these laws.
Screw the government.
I only believe in the ‘cause’.
The evil lives within,
so my life is full of sin.
It lives within my soul
and that’s why I feel so cold.
And I show no emotions and I shed no tears.
I show no remorse and I have no fears.
I’ve lived a screwed up life.
That’s why my heart’s like stone.
Happiness and kindness have all been thrown,
thrown away, far away – never to return.
The goodness within has all been burned.
The evil is done. There is no way to rewind it.
I’m searching for peace of mind.
I just can’t seem to find it.
Searching for light in the darkness where I reside.
But all I seem to find is iniquity and violence.
But I guess it’s all right
because after the violence
comes the silence.
-Isaac, Santa Cruz

Saturday Beats: Juvy

From the latest Beat Within.

Juvy
Juvy is a personal experience,
from the courtrooms to the closed doors, to the
handcuffs.
It depends upon yo’ case or yo’ attorney and your
probation officer, should I say.
They say you in here for a while,
then weeks and months, it’s what come by.
The days and nights you sit inside of here, it makes you
wanna cry.
One phone call ain’t enough and it’s the number they select.
They call us delinquents and don’t even know the facts.
Juvy was my second home, but I changed that around.
Now I’m right back where I started. Damn, ain’t that a
frown?
-Brianna, San Francisco

Saturday Beats: Materialism

One of the latest from The Beat Within. This is one of the best writings I've read in quite some time from our youth. Hope ya'll enjoy.

The Addiction of Materialism
Materialism is a very addictive illusion,
but a more potent product of materialism is the glamour,
and the thing’s and feeling’s that money and material things bring.
A lot of younger teen’s get sucked up into bubble gum dreams
wanting to be like old time white gangsters
such as Al Capone, Lucky Luciano, John Gotti and so on.
The Escalades, the Mercedes, and the scraper’s on dubs are
cool things to own just like the jewels and [having] females
and some rack’s in your pocket pero.
That ain’t all I would risk my life and liberty for,
especially in this White man’s system
where I could loose by any means.
I would rather make my money intelligently, and stack up,
put some in the bank rather then spend it on shhh
I could buy when I have enough money stacked.
As far as the neighborhood, I wouldn’t care where I live.
As long as no one messes with me I wont face no 25
with an L.
-Grumpy, Alameda

The Beat Within: Black and Complaining

This week from our incarcerated youth.

Black and Complaining
My complaint isn’t a complaint
it’s an every day problem I’m facing
Why so many people in the world got to be racist
My complaint is why is it so hard for a black man
Everything we do, we say we hope,
but we never say we can
Wonder why we hustle too hard to get a job
Everybody else eating good,
but we living off corn on the cob, pretty much
Everywhere, even the ghetto we are the most hated
It seems like everyone in the good movie,
but we are x-rated
Best known for rapping, and sports
We became big time celebrities when we go to court
I love being black
but I’m complaining because it’s too hard
The sad thing about it is no one can change it
Not even the Lord.
- Reggie, Land

Saturday Beats: Would Anyone Know?

More writings from our incarcerated Bay Area youth.

Would Anyone Know?
I wonder if I were to die in here, would anyone know,
would my sister know, would my brother know?
I always wondered.
If I were to die would I have a funeral?
Would I have a tux with a casket
or will I have a sheet in a cold refrigerator.
I wonder if they would notify my father.
I wonder would I be buried or will I just be dead.
Most likely nobody will know…
I’ll just be another dead person in the world.
No one would miss a beat ….
no one would care I’ll just go and nobody will know.

Saturday Beats: Dark and Alone

A day late but always great writing and reflection from our incarcerated Bay Area youth.

In My Dark, Lonely Corner
Look deep in my eyes past the beautiful green
and tell me what the heck is it that you can see
No coward in me lived most of my life in these streets
and since a very young age,
I’ve been accustomed to the heat pull and down my jeans
not many people want it with me
‘cause I was raised among a tough breed
and when you speak to me, y
you’ll find no trace of child ‘hood memories
sick of the spirits that haunt me in the night when I sleep
and these rivals want me so bad that I keep a pistol
underneath my sheets
not that I’m scared of death
but I wouldn’t want my mama to grieve for me
still I would never live my life on my knees
I rather choose to die on my feet
seen many people fall down victim to this dirty concrete
now the hood is stained with blood nobody cries for a thug
and growing up in these playgrounds were those dirty fake
people that not so many rise above
started off hustle in dubs,
now were counting out the dope by the trunk
now look back into my life to my hard earned stripes
and I feel like the tears started boiling up onto my eyes as
I fade away in the night thinking where would I go when I
die?
some say I’m burning in the lake of eternal flames
but I’ve lived my life so foul
bet the devil going to chew and spit me out
I’m in an unpaved road trying to find my way back home
and I’m all alone cause I said fudge dots friends a long time
ago
now mama please forgive me for all the wrong I did
reminisce back in the days that I was a lost little kid
so young, so sweet, but most of all innocent
now all that’s gone 'cause this game gets so thick
pray to the Lord every night so He knows that I truly repent
but I wonder is this too much to forgive?
-El Michacano, Kastro, Santa Clara

Saturday Beats: Hope

Hope
Three walls
One door with one clear window
Me on the inside
Time and opportunity on the outside
Two things that the hall you
Get a lot of or not to many of
All the money in the world couldn't
Buy back the time that's past me by
In the hall. All the good shit done
In my life couldn’t earn back
The opportunity wasted.
The only light that shines is
Comin’ through that window,
So for the time being let that sun shine
…as bright as possible.
So I can hope
-Marcus, Alameda

Saturday Beats: Refuse

It's been a while since I've done this as I normally am not at my computer on Saturdays. If you need an update on what Saturday Beats is and who writes these wonderful pieces click here.

I Refuse!
Life is full of mistakes and no one is perfect
To prevent a problem from happening you gotta start
from the surface
Prayin' to God every day but yet still I don' learn shit
Growing older every second but yet still my servant
To the system
And I'm targeted because I'm black
Struggling
I'm hustlin' because I refuse to lay flat
Put my hands behind my back
And give up my right that man in black
And blue
I refuse
I won't do
So I lace up my Jay's and keep it moving
Keep you clueless
Anticipating my next step
Stay ahead of myself and others
For the behalf of my next breath
And the test in life
I've passed it twice
Feel like I've been here once before
Ahead of my time in my prime
Bangin' on that death do'
-H-TwoOh-Cal, Alamedia

Saturday Beats: The World is Crazy

From the latest issue of The Beat Within.

The World is Crazy, Huh!

This jail shit is for the birds. The white man got shit set up for us blacks to fail. He brings drugs into this country to get us high, but then he locks us up when we go rob someone to support our habit, or he keeps us poor in the hood and expects us not to sell drugs after he shows us how much money we can make off of it. It's a messed up world that we live in and now all we have to do is realize it and make a change before it's too late. And the next thing that the white man wants is us on a t-shirt 'cause our caskets are already dropping.

If we just take time to think about life itself then we'll see what's really going on. All people are different, it's our nature to do what we do. Like some people were born to be doctors and lawyers and others of us were born to be thugs. God make us all different and to serve different purposes in the world. If there were no thugs like us to commit crimes, then there would be no need for jails and lawyers to even exist. There would be no judges, prosecutors, or any of these crooked ass staff. The same thing for doctors, 'cause if nobody got sick or shot and had to go to the hospital then they wouldn't have a job. I think to exist they all need thugs...we're connected in this world.

Now it's up to us to make this change in the world. Now it's up to us to make this change in the world cause I think we all had enough of this life we live. The choice is yours. Now take some time to think because we all need to realize: This is reality.

- By Lil' Rome, Alameda County Juvenile Hall.

Saturday Beats: The Hood

One of the latest from The Beat Within.

Life in Da Hood
In just a young brown maze, misunderstood
Grew up in a ghetto-ass neighborhood
Wit’ crackheads on da block smokin’ rocks
USOs just posted outside wit’ their gun stocks
Got the baby’s mammas outside wit’ their kids
Bums in the alley way ‘cause they ain’t got nowhere to
live
Got the husbands hittin’ on their wives
Got the wives cheatin’ on their husbands
Got the husbands hittin’ on their kids
Got the kids being abused
Makes ’em feel like they ain’t got nothin’ to lose
So they run away and they start to join a gang doin’ da
same thang.
-By Tiny Samoa

Saturday Beats: Learning and the First Time

Was a day late on this one, sorry. From the latest issue of The Beat Within.

What Is Writing?
When I was growing up,
I learned how to smoke and drink.
I learned how to smoke blunts and mix drinks.
I learned how to bag up weed and crack
I learned how to load, carry, aim, and shoot a gun.
I learned how to cook.
I learned how to cut hair.
I learned how to cut hair.
I learned how to survive on the streets.

I want to learn
how to select the right house in the right neighborhood
for my family and me.
I want to learn how to pay my bills.
I want to learn how to go grocery shopping monthly.
I want to learn to be a good husband and father
and a role model for my family.
-By Vernelle

My First Time

I came into juvi for the first time yesterday. Thrown into shower when it shut off before I got my clothes off.

Then a small courtroom. I shivered with cloths, hair and body on the cold hard square of cement I had to sit on. They take my things and take a piccture there. And TB test me.
Next thing I know my dad's on the phone with me and my moms too, they're telling me not to be sad and how I'll be out soon. That was over 24 hours ago.

How I remember being snatched away from home and my wonderful beautiful girlfriend. They cuffed me and sent me into the big black cop Durango without a good bye or anything. She probably thought I'd come right out after talking with the cops, well so did I.

I still haven't got my charges or any reason why I'm here and I feel so hopeless and helpless.
Its the first night in almost eight months when I couldn't tell my baby goodnight. When I couldn't cover up my brother as he's falling asleep before he hits the pillow couldn't hassle mom or dad couldn't do anything really, but cry. I did cry a lot. My eyes are red from crying. I'm sitting in this room seeing the other's pass by.
-By Michael.

Saturday Beats: Acculturated to Violence and Getting Out

When I was only four (years old) I went to Sacramento to visit my Aunt Julie. My dad and step-mom were going to Reno for a couple days so that’s who I was staying with…

The first few days were fine, my aunt, uncle and cousins were fun to be with, ‘cause all we did was have fun! But by the second week things just changed. My aunt didn’t really smile anymore, she seemed different. My uncle always seemed angry and didn’t really play with me and my cousins anymore.

One day, before we were supposed to go out to eat dinner, I heard noises coming from the kitchen. Curious like any normal four year old, I snuck out of my room fully dressed and peeked around the doorway into the kitchen. What I saw made me fear my uncle from then ‘till this day…

He had her by her throat and her feet were at least nine inches off the floor. He was slamming her body in the wall with so much force that the walls shook and the little wall ornaments fell to the floor and broke. My aunt had her hands around his wrists, but he wasn’t letting go. Before he slammed her against the wall again, I screamed and started crying. I didn’t know what he was doing, but I knew it wasn’t good. I was scared!

At the sound of my scream, he let’s her go and she just crumples to the floor. She’s not moving… my uncle starts walking towards me, he looks even more scary than before. Getting more scared and panicky, I run to my room, but before I can close the door, he’s in there with me.

I crawl under the bed, crying…

My uncle kneels down and says in his deep voice “Sweety come out from under there.”

I stay quiet.

A couple minutes later he gets up and I hear the door close. I crawl out from under the bed and before I can look around, I feel arms around my waist and he’s carrying me to the garage.

I try to scream but he covers my mouth with his hand.

All I remember after that is that he hit me on my face, told me what I saw never happened and went back inside. I curled up in a corner and cried myself to sleep.

To this day, he never said he was sorry for anything. Not for hitting me or almost killing my Aunt Julie, who passed away four years later from a brain tumor… I’ll never forgive him, and I still blame him for my Aunt’s death. RIP Aunt Julie Brown. 1967-1999 I’ll always miss you.
-Goldylocks

When I first became a teenager, I stepped in the game
thinking the outcome would have changed
by the way that I played. I wanted out without a doubt
‘cause I was losin’ my brain
‘cause it’s the same shady ending
and I’m livin’ it, man
one step at a time
and I’m losin’ my mind
in my early teen years I was out on a grind
but I’m sayin’ “Peace, good-bye”
I want to get out of this game on the streets
that I could live without
free from the sorrow, the shame, the hurt and the pain
got my foot up out the door and I’ma leave the game.
I wanted out long ago ‘cause it’s shady on these streets
and all my brothas out here dying ‘cause they deep in the beef.
-Paradise

Image From:
The Beat Within

Saturday Beats: Violence and Family

From this week's issue of the Beat Within. To view more visit TheBeatWithin.org.

My Bro

My earliest memory of violence is when I was 10 year old. I was on the block with my brothers and they were smoking and shooting dice on the block, and these boys walked up on the dice game and told my brother to get up and bang for his life.

I was only 10 years old and I didn’t know what was going on, and one of the boys told me to run, but I stayed there, just looking at my brother, then one of one of the boys shot my brother in the head two times and the after that shot him in his back. I just looked at my brother and started to cry, but before that my brother said, “you gonna kill me in front of the the baby (me)?” He then looked at me and said, “I love you,” and they shot him.

I then ran and ran, so fast, and just cried all day, like my brother is really gone.

What really keeps me strong is that before he died he told me that he loved me and I will never forget that, that made me a beast and just stopped listening to everybody and I just don’t care no more, but I am smart about it.

I want to stay I love you Dre.

-Lil' D, 150 Crew.

My Mom Suffers The Most

My mom is the one who suffers the most because she blames herself for lettin’ me run wild in the streets. But the reason she suffers the worst is because she let me take it this far. Every time I see her, she starts cryin’. I don’t let it get to me, though, because I know she just tryin’ to get me to stop bangin’. But it’s not going to happen.

My youngest brother wants to follow my footsteps. When I talk to him, I tell him that this shit ain’t cool, but he be like, “I don’t care. I want in.” I tell him when I see him I’m going to whip his ass, and he be like, “You can try, punk.” It makes me feel good inside because I know I raised him to be a killa, but I tell him, “You betta be ready for when I get out.”

Last but not least is my newborn baby sister. Man, she’s something else. I went to see her when I was on the run because I was stayin’ in the cuts. Well, anyways, she looked at me like, “Who the hell are you?” When I tried to pick her up, she started to cry. That made me feel hella sad because I know I haven’t been there for her. But I just bury all my pain inside because when you’re doing time, you can’t show your weakness to nobody. I’m out.
-Menace U6

Saturday Beats

Every Saturday the Double Consciousness team will be posting a piece (or two) from the weekly magazine The Beat Within (see this post to learn more and check out my girlfriend's article on The Beat Within as well).

I Messed Up
I messed up
When my pants began to sag a lil' lower
Started pushin' weight instead of the lawn
mower
I messed up
When I began to flash my rag around
Throwin' gang sings up all over my town
I messed up
When I made my mom's cry
Said I didn't care about life,
Screw livin', I'm gonna die
I messed up
When I started livin' life like a fantasy
Disrespected, neglected, didn't care about
family
I messed up
When I was posted on the block all night
Seen the enemies
And it was funk on sight
I messed up
When I took the first hit of the blunt
Got in the car, ridin' big, tryna stunt
I messed up
When I didn't want to go to school no more
Put that hoodie on
And went and robbed that liquor store
I messed up
When I stopped listening to my Pops
Did a drive-by
And got away from teh cops
I messed up
When I had to carry my nine
Grand theft auto from scraper to two-seaters
I messed up
When the girl that left,
Might be the one
Did everything for me
Helped me hide when I was on the run
I messed up
When I left the football field and b-ball court
Starting playin' these females
Like my name was Too Short
I messed up
When I began to do more dirt
Caused my real loved ones a lot of pain and
hurt
I messed up
When I went from stealing to dealing
Body went numb,
So I had no felling
I messed up
When my problems came
I jsut turned to the bottle
Living life too fast,
Runnin' full throttle
Runnin' at full throttle
I messed up
When I caught this nine-year bid
Livin' like a grown man.
But I'm really just a kid.
-Big Vic, 150 Crew

Sometimes
Sometimes I wonder what this life's about
Sometimes I wonder why I chose this route
Sometimes I wonder why the lights are out
Sometimes I wonder why I poison the body and minds of people for the
clout
Here I stand as a dysfunctional man
Belly-raised by a dysfuncitonal fam
Sometimes I wonder why I never follow my heart
Demons pullin' at my soul till it's ripped apart
Sometimes I wonder why we live and die by the gun
Sometimes I feel it's impossible to do right, like landing on the sun
Sometimes the streets is under pressure and guns errupt
Sometimes I wonder why you turn your back for a second, and realize
your time is up...
-Yung Cutt-e

Image From:
The Beat Within